Home

Nietzsche

The blackness of the sea holds the secrets of the world. (First Part)

"To live like a bird that flies away and comes back,and that bears no name in its beak! So to sit at many a banquet, therein I find my delight.   Passage from a letter Nietzsche wrote at the age of 21. "Yesterday an impressive storm was looming in the skys. The storm erupted in heavy thunder and hail. I fell into a special kind of ecstasy and I was suddenly clear to me that we only really understand the chaotic becoming of nature when we leave our worries and concerns behind and consent to nature.  Man, and his restless will and elevated concerns, were of no conern to me any longer! What could the ever recurring "thou shalt" and "thou shalt not" now mean to me? How different was the lightning, storm, hail, the free powers of becoming, once ethics and morality are neutralized.  How happy these phenomena now appeared, how powerful, what a pure fate and strong determination, without the clouding of the intellect! On other hand, I often enough see how cloudy the intellect may become, in humans". (Nietzsche)

 Written by Doug Stevens: Darling Sjalien, i know you dont even know my last name. I even hide behind my e mail in the past. but I told you I will not lie to you, i will not lie to you to make you happy, and I will not lie to you so you will think i am someone else. So my love i tell you my name, Douglas Stevens. My real name my mom gave me was Douglas,and in Gaelic this means black waters, and i think this is why i love to be near the sea, and why i think the blackness of the sea holds the secrets of the world. My mother was part Scottish and part Dutch.

My father was mostly English, but part Spanish from a great grandfather. I was born in Canada, and i live near wherre I grew up as a boy. You are on the other side of the waters that hide all of the secrets of the world, I will go to the water tonight and look down, down to the things i fear the most.. and i will see you.... smiling... telling me not to be scared.. that you are with me... .and i will feel better...when i fly to you, i will fly over the water and look down from the sky to see the power that the sea holds in it,, look down and see your face and you will tell me not to be scared, that you are there for me... the darkness is where i want to hide... to hide with you... to be with you... always... only you my dearest Sjalien... only you will fill my soul and make it shine...and tell me not to be scared... only you...

 I walked along the water again tonight, and looked across and thought of you at my side. saw the moon when i looked back over the land, and thought of you again. You are always with me now, and always My love, you have come into my life so suddenly, you have captured my heart with words from your heart, and the words I say are from deep within my heart also.  My love if only i was not in my marriage right now i would be with you today. i would fly to you and be with you now.i am going to be free soon, with my own place, to think and to heal my heart, for it will truly be sad when i go. I am used to being alone, because  of the way i always travel, i am always in a hotel alone, but this will be different, i am not going back and it will take some time to get used to it. Oh my love, i love you so much...

Sjalien, your name crosses my lips many times a day, your image floats in my mind always, your pictures i look at as often as i can, and your letter is always nest to my heart.Know that i love you Sjalien, Know that I am yours.. Love i hope you can work now, i want you to paint, to make your art inspire souls, to conjure up the images in their heads that come from your soul, and i want to share this with you, for I know you love it so much. I want to see you create the beauty of the world and even the ugly of the world, for it is all truth. Oh i am so sad, and happy at the same time. I have you to love. and I am happy  you love me too. i want to make some business trip to Amsterdam, and stay with you. I am scared that I will never leave from you once we are together, but I know i will be happy to be with you, it is my life here that i am scared of. You know I do not care about simple possessions, but i need to take care of my boys and make sure they are growing up properly, to make sure they are good and good in this world. my love, i feel so awful. to live here, knowing I love you and want to be with you. I feel so awful to go home and smile to my wife, knowing that my love is for you. I go for a walk and think of you, not my wife. I lay in bed thinking of you, saying your name to myself. I feel so awful to look into my wife's eyes and lie, knowing it is your eyes i want to see, your soul I am in love with...

I went to go for a walk tonight, along the sea, by my house. I live on an island, in a river and the island is surrounded by dykes. when i walk on the dyke, near my house, i look out to the west, and in the evening in the summer the sun is setting, the wind is blowing in from the north and it is a cold wind, but the wind from the north always brings with it clear weather, no clouds, and a very red sky. I know it will be a nice day when the wind blows from the north, I know that because i have walked along the same path for many years. If the wind blows from the south, it brings along the warm wet weather from the tropics, and I know it will rain tomorrow, but it will be warm.

Today the wind is from the southeast, the worst wind of them all. The clouds are black, they are so low you can almost touch them. the rain is coming down sideways, nobody is walking, it is lonely and dark. The rain stings my face as I look up to the sky. My clothes are wet from the rain, my hair is soaked because i am too stubborn to wear a hat, but i like the feel of the cold rain because i know when i get home i will light a fire to warm me and it will feel good. The walk i take is about two kilometers. sometimes more if i am feeling like i need to clear my head. i walk a lot in the last few weeks to think, to think of my life, and of my love for you. TOnight i am thinking of how my life will be in the future, will I see you?.... i hope so.... Will i hold you in my arms and feel the love from your arms?.... i hope so.... will i be with you forever?... i hope so....

I walk and think of my life. of how i will be with you.... oh my love... my head is spinning.... i dont know why i am in love like this with you....i dont know why i met you....i dont know why i cannot talk to anyone else any more.... i do know you are so special to me.... I do know I love you more than anything in this world....i do know i will do anything for you...I do know i want to hold you in my arms... i do know i cannot be apart from you much longer....My love, I love you very much... I cannot stand to be apart from you...

The rain has soaked through to my skin, but i do not care. i am lost in my thoughts, looking out to the sea and seeing just black, the scary black of the sea that holds all of the secrets of the world. the blackness comes around and surrounds my body, making me feel more alone, but i want to be alone, alone with my thoughts. alone so i can think, alone so i can stop the spinning in my head. The wind circles around me, making me cold, shivering with the cold, but i dont feel it in my mind, my thoughts are so deep. the blackness of the sea goes inside me, and i let it, i try to imagine the black inside my head, clearing my thoughts, clearing my head, it is so cold. I close my eyes and let the thoughts back in, but this time it is only thoughts of you, nothing else. nobody else, only you.

I dream of you painting. of you taking the colours and making them into somethinng beautiful. it is like magic to me, for i do not know how to take the things inside me and put them out for all to see. You see Sjalien, that has been my life up to a few years ago, hiding, hiding my true thoughts, my true feelings, not able to let them out for others to see because I am afraid. Afraid someone will take my thoughts and stab me in the heart with them. But the blackness that has entered my mind changes me.

you give me strength to fight the things that hold me back from my dreams You give me hope for the future that I will not be aloneI need you my love, I am taking Friday off to go to the Dutch Embassy here in Vancouver to see what they can do for me to live in Holland and not be sent back to Canada after a time. I want to come and be with you. To live with you in our house, for a time until we are ready to go out and greet the world, to give you Paris so that you can join the painting world there, to give you anything you need to be great, ad I want to see you do great things in your life, and I want to be by your side when you do.I am on the plane now high in the air but going in the wrong directionfor the only direction I want to be traveling in is towards my love Now I am going to Vancouver, a beautiful city But a dull gray without you to share it with without you at my side my love I am lonely without you to hold my world so cold and hard The entire world is in front of me and invites me but it is only you who can allow me to enjoy it

Only you who can show me the beauty of this earth Only you who can show me the beauty of the inner lifeI did not know how beautiful the inner life is Until you opened the doors for me and gave me a look until you opened my eyes in those 18 days and invited me to your world  my love... Sjalien my darling... I am planning on coming to you in the summer and staying forever... I need to find a way to do that ... to just set my family on a path of being able to survive and send my boys to university... that is going to cost me about 60,000 dollars and I want to do that for my kids so they will be on their way in life... so I will find a way and then I will come to you... to be with you... because I cannot bear to be without you.. just looking at pictures and reading mails and the phone... I just want to feel you... to feel your body, heart and soul...

 I traveled halfway around the world to meet you..These days with you have shown me what love really can be. I thought I knew what love was, and I thought that I felt the love for you before I held you in my arms. But now I find you in my arms each night when I wake up and i look at your sleeping face and i truly love you more than I ever loved anyone before. I feel the love from you to me, and sometimes I dont know how to handle it, it is so intense and I feel I have the most beautiful soul on earth next to mine, walking together down the lonely roads that i am now wandering, lighting my path and showing me the way to freedom and happiness.I want to share my life with you... i want to show you the darkest parts of me, to tell you what I am really thinking at times, but it is so hard for me to do that because I have been stabbed with a knife before with my own feelings and it has taught me to keep to myself. and there is no deeper pain than the pain inside yourself given back to you by another.

 I truly want to share these feelings with you and i know that in time I will go deep inside and let you in all the way. It will just take time... and i will give you my life to share... my entire life is yours.... just keep loving me like you do... and I will keep loving you like I do now... down to the deepest depths of my heart and soul
Sjalien... I want you and I need you so badly... i have given you my heart and soul... and i will give you my life.. and spend my lifetime with you... the thought of me leaving on Sunday makes me so sad, but at the same time i often think of the day i use my key to walk in our door and surprise you.... to have you once again in my arms....that will be a magic moment for me. My love I dive in the dark sea... to find the pearls of life... the fear to make the plunge is real... but the pearl is you.. a string of pearls to last my whole life... and when I cone to the surface for air I will have in my hand the most beautiful pearl... your love...

Once again I sit here and the words do not come to me what to say to you.... Oh love I will try to tell you what I feel now.... I love you so much.. I spent all those days with you and got to know you better and yes I got to love you better than before, more than before when I could only write words to you and hear your voice on the phone... oh love I actually held you in my arms and kissed you and made love to you... Sjalien... I love you so much... I tried to write you on the plane but I cried and could not write... I came to my hotel yesterday and cried for an hour I missed you so badly... I lay in my bed at night last night and could not sleep much... my body was so tired but my heart was so lonely for you... I talked to you and that was not enough... I talked to you again today twice and that was not enough to fill my desire for you.... I think of you constantly,,, when I am lonely or sad or happy or glad I think of you... I prayed to God that he show me the way to you.. prayed that he give me the strength to break my bonds here and fly to you...I prayed for him to show me the right way to do it so that there will be no regrets of me leaving here. Sjalien... even though the answers were not given to me last night I felt that much closer to you.... I felt so much more in touch with you...

I think of how much I like to do the things for you like make you coffee in the morning or make you something to eat in the evening or to just watch you when you look at the colours on the computer and see the excitement in your eyes... to just come quietly up to you on the couch and watch you with your eyes closed and listening to music or sleeping... mmm .love I miss all of those things terribly... to just hold you in my arms with your head on my shoulder and to feel your hair in my hands and to hear your heart beating as I lay my head on your breast at night... the way you take care of me and love me and feel me and Sjalien,,,,,,the way you just love me like no other has done before with no expectations from me other than to love you too... and Sjalien, I do love you .... I have never felt this way about a woman before... you are my life and you fill my soul with your soul... making my life complete... I want you...I go for a walk along the sea on saturdays by myself to think about my life, and in the last few years my life has been plain. you have added so much excitement to my life, i have not felt in love like this since i was a boy many years ago.i went again for a long walk along the sea tonight, the cold wind blowing on my face, burning my skin. My mind is consumed with you, i found a small stone that you will see when you receive my letter.After my walk tonight i came home sad, i feel like shit tonight and i want to just go to bed and die from loneliness, even with my family here i am lonely for you, for your voice, for your touch. I know i am crazy in love, and it is you i really want. I feel lost tonight.

I bought some plane tickets to see you and I fly to you on Feb 22. I arrive in Amsterdam at 1:50 in the afternoon on Luftanza flight # 4448. I cannot stay away from you any longer. I will be with you until march 1 and I fly home from Amsterdam at 8:55 AM. I want to spend every moment of my time there with you. I hope you are there and not go to germany then, but if you do I will go with you.I love you so much, but I am still scared to go to you, but my love for you is greater than my fear, greater than my desire to be with my family, greater than my desire to stay here in canada.I hope you understand why I am coming, and I hope you are happy I am coming. I will come to you and show you how much I love you. If you are scared of me staying with you, sleeping with you, or being with you tell me what you want me to do and I will do it.. I just need to see you and hold you for now... even if we do not fuck when I am there it is ok with me. I know you are shy, and so am I, so I understand. I will be gentle with you, i promise.

 Sjalien, My Darling I never doubt your love for me, and I will never leave you alone. You know my situation here in Canada, when I leave my wife and live someplace else she will never let me come back, ever, I know she will turn the kids against me, she has already done that, now you are the only one in my life, without you I have nothing. It is what I chose for my life, I chose you because  I LOVE YOU....I will come to you there in February, and stay the week with you, and come back here. It will be harder for me to leave you than it will be to leave my kids here, for I love you more than anything. I will come back to you there to be with you forever, and I promised you a long time ago that I will be with you in Christmas 2002 and I will be there, I promise. So just love me Sjalien, love me for the rest of time and you will find that I am good to you, never getting nasty or mean to you, just giving all of my love to you that is in my soul.

 I know how you feel about being alone and how you have changed, as I have changed my thoughts about my future since I met you. It is difficult to leave my life here, but it is impossible to be apart from you any longer.I cannot wait until I see you at the station , to hold you in my arms, you set my soul on fire, I see your eyes and all the love in there for me, and you will see all the love I have for you too... forever ... I will love you... I don't care what other people think or say, I know in my own heart that I love you, I want to be with you, and nobody else can tell me different, because now, I follow my heart.I take your love and cherish it for the rest of my life, My love I do know how to treat a woman right, and it makes me so happy that you are the woman I will be with for the rest of my life

 "what goes around comes around" so whatever you do terrible in your life to others.. it will eventually come back and happen to you... So I try to do good things in my life.. and sometimes I get good things happen to me... good things like meeting a beautiful woman .... and falling in live with her... and even better.. she loves me too....so my love... that is you and you will always be in my life... as my love... and I will come to you.. to live with you... to be with you... and love you... You have stirred my emotion and it is aching to be set free... I want to show you my emotion, my soul and my life.I hope to get to talk to you today. to hear your voice. You are still a secret in my life, and a secret you shall stay until it is time to be free. you are my light in this crazy fucking world of hate, greed and anger. You are my life, never change my love, for I am in love with your soul, my Dark Dutch Paintress.

IT is heartbreaking to me to live like this... faraway from the one I love... and trying to deal with the past at the same time... at times it is like holding your breath underwater and not being able to come to the surface...needing the air but not being able to breath it.... my love you are my air... and my life here is the water... holding me under... killing me slowly.... the death of my past has not been realized fully... I am still living somewhat in the past, not accepting the death of my life as I was... but I look at my life and the life with my wife was the death of another life I had when I was young.. I was free.. I was happy... I was doing what I wanted to do... and it took me years to accept the death of my young life and accept the life with her... a life of doing what I was told.. a life of doing for everyone else but not for me... I would do anything for her... and I would do anything for my kids... but I get little in return, only the feeling of being possessed by them... only the feeling of being used... My love I dive in the dark sea... to find the pearls of life... the fear to make the plunge is real... but the pearl is you.. a string of pearls to last my whole life... and when I cone to the surface for air I will have in my hand the most beautiful pearl... your love...

My Darling Sjalien, I sent you flowers so that you would have a part of me there on your birthday. so a little part of me will be with you, and I keep your cards and letters with me all the time so that a part of you is always with me to give me the strength to survive this. Sjalien I am getting stronger each day, and I am getting better each day, the only thing that will make my life right is when I am safely in your arms and you are in mine, together love we make one beautiful light.... but without this darkness in my life right now your light wouldn't be seen. like a picture that has been overexposed, the light washes out the subject so you cant see it, without the contrasting darkness I would not see your light. And I see your light shining brightly in my life against the darkness of my soul. mmm love... I need you...

The clock ticks by and I grow more and more restless each day to fly to you... each moment without you is more painful than the last, and each moment without you is one less moment in my life I can be with you.. Sjalien... you are my life now... never forget... I love you like you love me... and I will be with you soon... to leave here is to leave a sea of pain and anguish on the faces of my children and wife. but to come out on the other side seeing you, and the sight of anguish will fade over time, and the pain on this side will subside and life will continue. This I know... and this I understand... now to make the leap of faith into your arms is all that is left to do...My love.. I want to make that leap as soon as I can.. as soon as I can... I love you... I love you more than anything, your words, your love, your heart and soul are with me always. I want to be with you always to share my love with you.. to share my life with you...

  I am looking now at how I can go to the Netherlands and be with you. To visit you I can just go and see you, but to become a resident I will need to fill in an application for a permit from the immigration authorities. I will fill this out when I go to the Netherlands embassy here in Vancouver. I am also looking for a place to live on my own, I hope I can be on my own in February, I need to go to the bank and arrange payments for my house. after that, I just need to work, and love you, it takes at least three months to get a resident permit, so I will have it when I am ready to be with you. Oh love, the hardest part will be leaving my boys in February, but I cannot live here any more, Drie, my oldest can drive so he will be able to come see me anytime, and I plan to get a place really close so even ... and ... will be able to come to my house whenever they need me. The reality of my love for you means that I must do these things, and I cannot wait until I can be with you.Sjalien,,, always know I love you like you love me,,,, I know you love me, I can hear it in your voice.. I want to see it in your eyes, look into your soul and see the love....and feel it in your body. my love I want to be with you so badly... so badly... I always dream of you... when I can sleep.... I always think of you... and I want to call you every minute of every day... I just wish that I could...

... Love' like this It always end in a tragedy...There are things which I think I know them, and things that I certainly know, and this is certainly something that I know. Do you understand? No,You want more explanation...would take all night!

To Doug stevens, Richmond B.C Canada .As a human being one is, and one becomes, and things pass, and some things are gone forever and ever, but all the same some things do return, and drag on, they don't pass and don't go away, every now and then they resurface, and emit new impulses, some refreshened, some as intense as ever, some somewhat pale...Some people are faithful to what was, whether it has passed or not, whether it is a mere thing of the pass, or whether there still is some element of the future attached to it; they are faithful, and faithful to themselves and to what happened to them and became of them, but all the same they are also unfaithful to themselves, to their past, to their future...  for they are fatally engaged in processes of transformation, of change, of becoming ...  the other is in them, and one has to follow that other, wherever it leads you ...  Some memories are eternal, and eternally new, indelible, as if they come from the future, rather than the past ... you are never finished with them, they come and go in floods and ebbs, drawing figures on the sandy shores of one's soul.  

The blackness of the sea holds the secrets of the world. (Second Part)