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Nietzsche

The blackness of the sea holds the secrets of the world. (Second Part)

 Written by Doug Stevens: I promise you that I will love you for the rest of my life, that I will always be with you...that I will love only you... that I will be faithful to only you.. that no matter how another woman may try to tempt me I will never be tempted.... I will never touch another woman in my life... I will hold you when you need to be held, I will cry your tears of joy and pain, I will cherish you, I will give to you my heart, I will give to you my soul to keep forever. Can you promise me the same? I will come to you and be with you forever... Just love me.. just treat me well, and I will treat you like a princess, a queen... I will love you for eternity,... can you make me this same promise my love?   Can you? 

You mean more to me than anything on this earth, my family, my nice house, my things in the house, my cars, my work,  my everything, and love I am afraid to say even my sons. It is you that consumes my thoughts for the past two months and it is getting so that I cannot do anything without thinking of you. I hope you understand me my love... yes I do love my sons, but you are my inspiration, my reason to live. I do not know how I happened to fall in love with you, It seems to be something that I cannot control with my mind, my heart and soul have taken over and my love for you has my whole being in a spin.  Oh love, sometimes I think that my life would be so easy if I was just to keep on with the status quo. but Sjalien, I cannot, for it is not what is in my heart, because I give my heart to you, I give my soul to you.. to keep and care for...

I just got out of bed and there was a fax from my lover so faraway under the door.. I read the words and my heart feels good.... I could not sleep last night I was dreaming of you and I kept waking up in hopes that my dreams were real. Of course they were shattered when I turned over in my bed and you were gone, but I still kept the smile on my face because even thoughts of you are wonderful to have now.... It is not what you dream but what keeps you awake at night... and my love it is the thought of you that keeps me awake nights. Sjalien, I love you very much.. I await every email.. every fax... with excitement. I send you mobile messages all of the time and e mails all of the time and I hope you do not tire of all of my attention. When I am with you I want to be with you all of the time.. I hope you do not tire of me then too..for I never want to leave your side... i am at work and thinking of you. i tried to work today and although I got a little done, i am so busy thinking of you I cannot get much done. I told you in meetings i am always caught, not paying attention,and i want to tell them that it is Sjalien I am thinking of now, dont bother me!! I drive my car and listen to music, i love music, and i listen to the words and hear things in words that remind me of you. I cannot wait until the day i am holding you in my arms, holding each other tight, and kissing you.
 I am here at work again... back from London.. back from you, I wish I could be with you now, I just think about you constantly, I know it is God that brings us together. our souls as one...I have never spoken so many words in my life on how I feel to anyone except you. and even though I have spoken so many words... none of them can describe the big love I have for you. The feeling in my heart is so intense that I am ready to fly to you now. I hate that I have to wait two weeks to see you, but each day I come closer and closer to you. I am counting the days my love. I am so excited about finally holding you in my arms.

 I love to hear your voice. I love you so much...I know that my divorce is painful to me now and I think it is also painful to you. but I believe ti is the start of a wonderful life for us both. To experience the pain with me, I have found in you a great love, a love that nobody else will ever have for me, and within my own pain I have discovered that I can love even more deeply than I have in the past. I know all of the pitfalls of love and relationships now and I look at our relationship and it is full of understanding and caring. For I love you deep within my soul..I look forward to the day where we are together forever. and I want to be with you SOON. not later... I
truly need you and I truly love you.. I want to be with you so badly my love, my life right now is in turmoil. spinning around and around, going nowhere because it is not going towards you.. I am patient  to wait until the day I am with you but The day I want to be with you is today. I have so much I want to give to you. to show you .. I have so much love inside me that is aching to get out and give to you.

It is christmas eve, i spoke to you an hour ago, and i burned the candle i saved for you, just like the one i gave you. Remember my thoughts are with you today and every day..I am at work now just thinking about the day that I get to hold you in my arms again. there is nothing I can do, my brain so frozen on that thought and I cant get any other work done. I have bought some tickets for Amsterdam and I will be coming on July 18th in the evening. I will fly into Schipol and then take the rain to you, and then I will call the taxi, I have the number from the last time I was there. mm then I can put the key in the door and came to you and finally hold you in my arms again and kiss you. Sjalien Sjule, I say that name in my head a thousand times a day. It is your name, and I love you so much, I fell in love with a crazy Dutch paintress, and I did not know how it would affect my life. I did not know when I fell in love that I would fall so hard and so fast. So now I must follow my heart and fly to you to be with the love of my life.

My love, i hate money, it brings greed, i have asked for only one thing at christmas, only to be healthy and to see the ones I love to be happy. I think i told you i have many things, a big house, 2 big cars, lots of things i buy over the years laying like junk all over my house, and many things for my children and my wife also. I find none of these things give me happiness, it took me many years to realise that i only need someone to love, and someone to love me back to make me happy and make me feel like i am flying..... Sjalien I have found that love in you......Oh Sjalien, i am not playing games with your feelings, I am not a hurtful person, and I will never hurt you. I told you before I will tell you the truth about everything, because I want our love to be built upon the truth and never have lies between us. For this is my soul that I write on these pages, this is my heart open to you for you too see all of the love, and with the love there is always mixed with pain.

 I drove to work today in deep silent thought listening to my music and thinking of you..... Here at work I am so busy since I have not been here for two weeks, so everyone wants my time it is hard to get away to call you or write to you... this afternoon or tomorrow I am going away to the lake and will be there for four or five days.
The reason I want to go is to be close to nature and then close to god.. there is nothing more peaceful in this world than to be alone in the wilderness with nobody or nothing around you.. This way I can clear my mind of all outside influences and reflect on my life... Right  now I feel like I am being pulled in a hundred different directions.. which usually is not a problem but this time it is my heart that is being pulled and it is now in a thousand pieces laying all over the ground. I want to pick them up and try to put them together... With everything that has happened in my life over the last six months I am so stressed out to have a whole heart again....I feel like I cannot make any decision in my life yet until I have my heart back together and healthy.

 I decided not to do it with drugs, I decided not to do it with alcohol... I decided not to do it with a Freud.. I decided not to do it by advice from friends.. I decided not to do it with advice from Family... I decided not to do it with advice from anyone but myself and God. And in the wilderness, where I am close to nature, I am closest to God and I can put myself back together again. So I will be alone, don't worry about me love... I can take care of myself in the wilderness,n I know how to live in the wilderness, I will call you before I go.... but when I am gone... please understand my need to be alone.. my need to be one with myself and god....If I don't do this I will never be able to live a happy life no matter what I do in my life... because when I really think of it and take your advice to follow my heart, how can I follow my heart when it is laying on the ground torn to pieces... I don't know if four or five days in the wilderness will fix a torn apart heart, but it will be a good start for me....

Sjalien I Love you... and I love you more than I have loved anyone in my life before. I will be thinking of you a lot while I am gone because you have the most pieces of my heart in your hands and I want to make sure that when the pieces go back together they go back together right so that there will be nothing between our love. Life has its lessons for sure, and I know in my life the things are changing so fast I can hardly keep up. For a few years now I have known that I do no love my wife the way I should love her, and I stay just for the kids, and I stay because I have an easy life. Don't think I am lazy because I work hard, but I have many things in my life and a lot of people envy me, mostly for my family. But to be true my love, I am always thinking of leaving my wife, always thinking that it would be so much easier if she hated me and left me, then the guilt would not be there.  Now that I am coming to see you I cannot look her in the eye. I cannot live with her anymore, but I do not have the heart to hurt her and say that I am leaving... Oh love..I am stuck in the middle of a hard situation, I hate the pain I will cause here.. but I must see you... I must be with you... my heart tells me so.  So I believe in my heart you are my destiny...

Sjalien, I am truly fallen in love with you, I want you... I want to be with you forever, I am doing everything I can to fix a life here for my kids so I can be with you forever. So do not fear my love, I will never leave you, I will be with you febr 22, and soon after I will be with you forever. I wish I knew when for sure but it will not be years...for I cannot stay away from you for that long, My love for you will last a lifetime, but I also want to spend my lifetime with you, not loving you from faraway, but loving you with you in my arms..You are the best thing that has happened to me in my life. You are my love, I know this day for you is shitty and I wish I was there to hold you in my arms. to have you cry on my shoulder, to comfort you and share your pain. When I talked to you this morning I felt your sadness from faraway, and I don't know what to say to comfort you with words, but I search for the words now. Feel my love from so faraway, and know that you are in my thoughts today, in my prayers.  I think of your brother too, and feel for him, because I know you love him. Sjalien I will come to you, and when your family comes over I can tell them my love for you is true.. and I will care for you forever, and nobody will be able to hurt you unless they kill me first.... I love you and will love you forever, and care for you forever. Sjalien... take care of yourself for me... and know in your heart that I love you very much, know that we are as one now, our souls together even so faraway in this shitty world.

I am in New York and I tried to write you on the plane but I just cried when I did. I am missing you badly. and I will always love you.. The mails and phone calls and icq messages over the months were nothing compared to the love I felt when I finally held you in my arms. Sjalien, I have never had love like you gave me before in my life and I have never felt love like I do for you.... I am in this world and living a lie. my life is coming home to a happy home, a carousel of light and colours and dancing with the centre of the carousel hiding resentment and bad feeling. I cannot live my life here in the wonders of today, fuck fuck fuck i get shit for things i did 20 years ago. i hear of the shit i did that i have long forgotten and i am reminded of every one of my mistakes from when i was younger. i am not that person anymore but i am new, i am changed, iam tired of it.i am telling you my feelings that i keep to myself, i hope you understand, i must tell you so that you are not surprised at how fucked up i am. i live my life and i am not happy, like the carousel i look happy on the outside but inside i am not. I am inside a fuck up, only because i am told that every day and i know it is not true.

You are beautiful, your words, your picture, your thoughts and your dreams. You have come into my dreams, I awake with the look of your dark eyes, staring into mine, and I smile. Your eyes draw me into you, i cannot resist...and i smile.I have been talking to my business partners in Germany and they want to see me in Feb 28, so I want to go there for one day, but I will not leave you behind, I want you to come with me and stay with me in the hotel for one night or maybe two nights, you can come with me to the meetings too if you like stay at the hotel, go shopping in Frankfurt, or do whatever you want, but I do not want to leave you while I am there. If I sell to these partners in Germany I will have the opportunity to come back to see you in April for a week, and this is the only reason I want to go on the Feb. 28, because I don't give a shit about the money I will make, it will just be the time that I can spend with you that I want. So let me know love and if you do not want to go I will not go either, I will stay with you, I don't want to leave your side while I am there.

My love, I am here at my sisters house and I hate it here, it is not my home, it is not where I belong. Now I don't belong with my family either and I belong with you. This is the hardest part, not having a home to go to where I feel comfortable. My sister is nice but I know that I don't feel right here. I will only feel right when you are in my arms and I am in yours. When I get to the station.. feel my heart... it beats for you... it beats for Sjalien, my Sjasju....When I hold you in my arms know that you will be the only one I will hold, know that it is you that is my love, the love of my life, I finally found you, I finally will be with you. When I get to be with you you will find that I am kind like you, I am always thinking on you and don't want to make your life hard. I want to make your life full of love and caring. So when I get to be with you I know I will soon feel at home, to feel like I can finally relax and do what I want to do.

Talking to you today, and last night makes me realise more and more that I need you. that I need to be with you, that I love you, that i belong with you. Today when we talked you told me you will love me no matter what I do, if come to you or stay with my family, but Sjalien I need to come to you. I looked for your mail at the post office today and it was not there... i was so sad to know i go away without your letter.

When you tell me that you just want me to be happy, when you tell me to stay with my wife if that is what makes me happy, then i know you are not selfish, you are not possesive of me, but you love me, and you are kind to me. I hear you say to me "look into your heart and do what your heart tells you" and i know that your love is for me, not what you want me to be. Sjalien, i have lived all of my life with someone telling me how to do things, how to live my life,  Your words on the emails, on the phone all tell me that you love me and you need me, because of who I am, not who you want me to be. And my lover, I need you. everyone is pushing me, wanting me, and i think you are right. it is confusing my mind, but I know what my heart says,,, my heart says Sjalien, I know what my soul says,,,, my soul says Sjalien.

  I am looking now at how I can go to the Netherlands and be with you. To visit you I can just go and see you, but to become a resident I will need to fill in an application for a permit from the immigration authorities. I will fill this out when I go to the Netherlands embassy here in Vancouver. I am also looking for a place to live on my own, I hope I can be on my own in February, I need to go to the bank and arrange payments for my house. after that, I just need to work, and love you, it takes at least three months to get a resident permit, so I will have it when I am ready to be with you. Oh love, the hardest part will be leaving my boys in February, but I cannot live here any more, Drie, my oldest can drive so he will be able to come see me anytime, and I plan to get a place really close so even ... and ... will be able to come to my house whenever they need me. The reality of my love for you means that I must do these things, and I cannot wait until I can be with you.Sjalien,,, always know I love you like you love me,,,, I know you love me, I can hear it in your voice.. I want to see it in your eyes, look into your soul and see the love....and feel it in your body. my love I want to be with you so badly... so badly... I always dream of you... when I can sleep.... I always think of you... and I want to call you every minute of every day... I just wish that I could...

... Love' like this It always end in a tragedy...There are things which I think I know them, and things that I certainly know, and this is certainly something that I know. Do you understand? No,You want more explanation...would take all night!

To Doug stevens, Richmond B.C Canada .As a human being one is, and one becomes, and things pass, and some things are gone forever and ever, but all the same some things do return, and drag on, they don't pass and don't go away, every now and then they resurface, and emit new impulses, some refreshened, some as intense as ever, some somewhat pale...Some people are faithful to what was, whether it has passed or not, whether it is a mere thing of the pass, or whether there still is some element of the future attached to it; they are faithful, and faithful to themselves and to what happened to them and became of them, but all the same they are also unfaithful to themselves, to their past, to their future...  for they are fatally engaged in processes of transformation, of change, of becoming ...  the other is in them, and one has to follow that other, wherever it leads you ...  Some memories are eternal, and eternally new, indelible, as if they come from the future, rather than the past ... you are never finished with them, they come and go in floods and ebbs, drawing figures on the sandy shores of one's soul.  

The blackness of the sea holds the secrets of the world. (First Part)